Sorry About the Christmas Card Delay

Sorry about the Christmas card delay this year.
Jeanne is sleeping with another man.
A guy from a few houses down,
handlebar moustache,
works at Rite-Aid.

Sorry about the Christmas card delay this year.
We found cocaine in Billy’s dresser,
top drawer,
next to his heart-patterned boxers.

Sorry about the Christmas card delay this year.
I was laid off.
They told me I have bad charisma.
To hell with them.

Sorry about the Christmas card delay this year.
The car stopped working.
I think it’s the fuel pump.
Jeanne thinks it’s no big deal.

Sorry about the Christmas card delay this year.
Francis keeps clogging the toilet
and flooding the house.
I told him,
if it doesn’t flush the first time,
don’t try again.

Sorry about the Christmas card delay this year.
I accidentally drove off the road,
hit a tree,
and lived.

Sorry about the Christmas card delay this year.
The cat won’t stop throwing up
and I’ve become the best carpet shopper there is.

Sorry about the Christmas card delay this year.
Jeanne’s been pushing for a divorce,
but I think that’s no good.
Bad idea.

Sorry about the Christmas card delay this year.
Claire’s got a new boyfriend.
They’re always boning in the basement,
no matter how many times we tell them
they can’t bone in the basement.

Sorry about the Christmas card delay this year.
My mother died of cancer.
I swear to god,
we’ve had a bad go of it over here.

Sorry about the Christmas card delay this year.
Billy almost failed junior year.
We think it’s the cocaine,
but unsure,
he’s always had bad dyslexia.

Sorry about the Christmas card delay this year.
We cut down the tree
but it caught fire the following day.
Perhaps it was too dry anyway.

Sorry about the Christmas card delay this year.
I came back from the grocery store
and it turns out
the entire house washed away in a flash flood!
The family too!