Ouroboros

My grandmother’s lace curtains aren’t the airy panels I remember from childhood. They’re made of polyester woven to look ethereal, with a repeating openwork daisy pattern. I have pictures of my infant self, cradled by my Abuelita, the curtains filtering the buttery light and projecting a Madonna-and-Child glow.

These curtains make an appearance in all pictures related to family gatherings at Abuelita’s house in Mexico. Once we moved permanently to Los Angeles, my sister and I would travel back and forth sporadically. Our traveling was so fluid it’s like we lived nowhere in particular. I don’t know if this family party where all my cousins and I are piled on the velour sofa happened before or after our initial migration. I don’t know if my mom dancing with my uncle in the dining room occurred just before she made the decision to leave Mexico, or if we had already been gone for months. My young girl memories blend imprecisely, and I’m uneasy about the elastic quality of the truth this youngest self holds.

The curtains live with me now. After many decades of being in my grandmother’s care, I asked her if I could take them from the senior living apartment she’d shared with my grandfather here in the U.S. These curtains, her pictures, and one violet were all that she brought with her from her Guadalajara home.

I washed them and tried to dye them from beige to coral. Turns out 50-year-old polyester lace is slippery and won’t let color grab on. When I pulled them out of the washing machine, they were the faintest peach. I hung them up in my bedroom anyway, and video chatted with my Abuelita to show her.

They’re so pretty. I used to have curtains just like those she told me, amazed.

Leyda Mar writes poetry, micro prose, and creative non-fiction. Her work explores intergenerational trauma, immigration, and the complexities of mothering when psychically wounded. Leyda is the co-founder and editor of River’s Edge Literary Magazine, a journal designed to include and welcome writers of historically oppressed and silenced backgrounds. She lives in Southern California.